A few years ago, I was still on the road with my old Nikon Coolpix. Back then, I was annoyed several times that the pictures were not of good quality in low light conditions, for example.

That’s why I’ve now switched to a Sony Alpha 6000. A rock-solid and very handy camera with high photo quality. I can take pictures with it that surpass the quality of most mobile phone cameras. All the photo enthusiasts I have spoken to have confirmed that the Sony Alpha 6000 is a really good camera.

What Photography Is All About

If you study photography a little, you will quickly learn one thing: it’s all about light.

Photo means something like light — as in the word photons — and -graphy means something like drawing — as in the words calligraphy and litography. Together, photography literally means “painting with light”.

There are three key parameters that influence the light in a digital photo:

• The aperture controls how much light falls on the camera lens. There is a small iris in the lens and the aperture is the size of this iris opening.

• The focal length is the distance between the lens and the focal point (in mm). It indicates how large or small the angle of view of my photo is.

• The exposure time (or shutter speed). The shutter controls how long light falls on the sensor.

Aperture, focal length, exposure time — knowing a little about the technology is certainly a prerequisite for taking sharp photos. But technology is only a means to an end.

The most important thing is the motif and your own perspective.

The Motif Tells a Hidden Story

There really are so many motifs. People, animals, still life, sky, stars, forest, sporting activities — there is an incredible variety of things that can be captured in a photo.

In a way, every photo you take tells a little story. I probably like taking photos because I can try to capture the story of my motif.

I can emphasise a particular detail that I think is especially important. I can decide what I want to focus on by changing the sharpness settings. I can vary the brightness a little and adjust the colours a little to influence the mood of the picture.

The story is carried by a feeling and with these subtleties I can try to express the story of the subject.

Fascinating How the View Changes

I always notice one thing when I take photos. I walk through the world a little differently. I look at things a little differently. And I look out for something special.

What is particularly beautiful? What stands out? Does something stand out from the crowd? Where has a person gone to great lengths with a design? Where has nature gone the extra mile? What particular coincidences lead to a special picture?

The children put painted stones in front of the front door with the sun shining on them. The sun shines through the green leaves so that you can see the ribs. The fantastic light blue sky with orange colour nuances simply leaves me speechless. Beauty that can be painted with light on digital paper.

So what exactly has changed in my view? I think I look a little more attentive when I’m out and about with my camera. I take more time to look.

Develop Your Own Perspective

Sometimes, photography tempts me to take a slightly more unusual perspective and capture a subject from my very own point of view.

There is a relationship between one’s own perspective and the subject. In a way, the picture expresses the relationship between the photographer and the subject. I have at least sometimes asked myself, why is this or that motif particularly interesting to me? Can I see what triggered this resonance in me?

Expressing your own perspective and making it accessible to others is important. Photography is an opportunity for self-expression.

Even if your own perspective is similar to that of other people’s pictures, the image is always somehow different.

Martin Luther in front of Dresden’s Frauenkirche has been photographed by many people before me. But no one has photographed the statue the way I did.

Even if it’s just details that make the picture different — expressing yourself through what you do makes a difference.

Conclusion

In itself, photography doesn’t need much. All you need is light, a camera or a mobile phone. And you’re ready to go. With a camera in hand, you set off in search of that special subject.

And while you are on the lookout, your view may change. As you experiment and try things out with the camera, your gaze may wander a little more attentively through your surroundings.

Each time you click the trigger, you give a little expression to your very own perspective.

Isn’t that what makes photography so fascinating?

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Mastery is the path of patient, dedicated effort without expecting quick results.

It’s been a while since I watch a lecture by German learning coach and author Vera F. Birkenbihl. In it, she emphasizes that if you care about personal growth and mastery, you should definitely read one particular book. George Leonhard’s “Mastery.”

Shortly after her lecture, I bought George Leonhard’s book.

Since I myself have been practicing Karate for many years and Leonhard is a teacher in the Japanese martial art Aikido, I could relate well to his thoughts.

The path of mastery takes a very long time, is one of the key aspects Leonhard emphasizes. This path is a journey of self-improvement and learning rather than a specific destination that one reaches.

On any journey toward mastery, there is a plateau where no progress is apparent. This is where patient practice is especially necessary.

Somewhere along this journey, one must also make a decision and ask oneself a crucial question: Am I in the right game?

If the answer is yes, then it is a matter of continuing to improve the game. If the answer is no, it’s better to stop.

This moment of decision exists in everything that is about learning, development and change.

The 4 Types: Dabbler, Obsessive, Hacker and Master

George Leonhard divides people who strive for mastery into four types:

• The Dabbler shows great enthusiasm. He wants to discover new things. Then, when he hits a plateau, his enthusiasm quickly wanes and he finds excuses so he doesn’t have to devote himself to work. To continue on the path of mastery would mean that he would have to change.

• The Obsessive needs results. It is not acceptable for him to be on a plateau for a long time. Therefore, he increases his effort. He does not understand the necessity of phases of development.

• The Hacker is willing to stay on a plateau for a very long time. After practicing for a while, he looks for a comfortable refuge rather than an opportunity to learn and develop.

• The Master is constantly striving to develop and acquire new skills. When he finds himself at a plateau, he keeps at it and keeps practicing. He enjoys regular practice and stays at the training site five minutes longer each day than anyone else. He is focused, deeply relaxed and feels good about himself.

To like plateau is to like what is most permanent and essential in your life.

The 5 Keys to Mastery

George Leonhard lists five keys that he believes lead to mastery.

• Instruction: It takes good instruction to make progress, such as in the form of a good teacher, or movies and books.

• Practice: To get better, it takes doing without a goal as a regular part of one’s life.

• Surrender: There are times when it is necessary to give up hard-earned skills in order to get to the next level. At these points, it takes a kind of beginner’s mind, especially when one is quite advanced.

• Intention: It takes an imagination or vision in the process of creating and shaping. The process of mastery is about a kind of transformation that has to do with a personal shaping.

• The Edge: It needs a good balance between endless, aimless training and seductive goals. It is not a question of either-or, but of both-and.

Conclusion

George Leonard’s book “Mastery” is, in my eyes, a reminder that continuous practice is necessary, especially during long dry spells.

When obstacles arise, it can be useful to look at the four types and ask yourself if you have just slipped into the pattern of the dilettante, the compulsive, or the hacker.

If so, looking at the five keys can help. Which of these keys would help to move forward in personal development.

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Reference

Leonard, G. B. (1992). Mastery: The keys to long-term success and fulfillment. Plume.

One of the insights I gained from the book Heikle Gespräche1 (or Cruicial Conversations in English) was that difficult conversations consist of three different aspects, namely the following:

1. Opinions clash

2. Emotions are running high

3. Something is at stake

That opinions clash because the participants in the conversation have different views is an obvious aspect.

That something is at stake (e.g. one’s own identity if one has made a mistake) is also clear.

But the aspect with the emotions was the most interesting for me. Not because it is not also obvious. The facial expression changes, the voice becomes more tense and forceful, the gestures become more aggressive — all this is easily observable.

What is interesting to me is the reason.

In difficult conversations, an old brain structure kicks in, which then leads to this kind of expression: the amygdala.

The amygdala is an almond-sized area in the limbic system. It controls our fight-or-flight response.

The authors write that blood is drawn from the brain and pumped into the muscles, because to fight or run, it is needed more there.

The newer areas of the brain (the neocortex) are thus less active, but the brain stem is. The problem is: the neocortex is responsible for rational thinking.

This was a comprehensible explanation for me why difficult conversations can often be very irrational.

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Why we should distinguish between maximizing and satisficing.

I’m sitting with a colleague. We are exchanging ideas about how detrimental it is to want to be perfect.

It’s about a very small task he wanted to complete: purchasing a notebook. We try to figure out what kept him from accomplishing it. In the process, we come to the topic of perfection.

Two weeks before our meeting, we were talking about the bullet journal method, where a key element is a notebook. He wanted to buy a high-quality matching booklet, so he struggled with the decision.

We come to talk about Barry Schwartz’s The Paradox of Choice1. The paradox of choices, after all, is that the more choices or options we have, the harder we find it and the more dissatisfied we become.

The social scientist and sociologist Herbert Simon has made a distinction here between two types of people: Maximizers and Satisficers.

Maximizer vs. Satisficer

The maximizer tries to compare as many options as possible to find the best possible solution. However, his time is not sufficient to review the many options.

The Satisficer, on the other hand, searches until he has found what meets his value standards. After that, he stops searching.

The word satisficer is a combination of satisfying and suffice.

How would you rate yourself? Are you more of a satisficer or more of a maximizer? After what choices have you felt regret and remorse?

Sometimes we feel annoyed when we are maximizers and have the thought that we could have made a better choice.

Satisficers are more satisfied because they say no to many options and choose “good enough.” In many situations, that is perfectly sufficient.

Satisficing in Order to Make Satisfying Decisions

To develop more satisfaction with one’s own decisions, it can therefore be helpful to get into the habit of satisficing. At least this is the tip Anja Förster and Peter Kreuz give in their book titled Nein2 (which means “no” in German).

With satisficing, we stop searching when we have found what sufficiently corresponds to our values.

To better understand one’s own decision-making pattern, conscious reflection can help:

• Where am I looking for the perfect solution?

• In what areas do I tend to be a maximizer? Where am I more of a satisficer?

• In what areas where I consider myself a maximizer do I actually not need such a high standard?

• Which options and possibilities can I safely ignore in concrete decision-making situations?

• Where is my standard in this decision?

• What is good enough for me in this situation for this decision?

Reflecting on and understanding one’s own pattern is the prerequisite for changing one’s own behavior in the decisive situations.

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Whether it’s a meeting, a get-together with friends or a conversation with your partner — wherever we encounter people, good communication and especially good listening are essential. If we don’t succeed, then annoyance, frustration and other problems in communication are the logical consequence.

In school, there was no subject called “proper listening.” But how exactly does one listen really well? How exactly does one show the other person that one is interested in understanding him or her? And what fundamental problem is there to avoid?

Julian Treasure, a world-renowned listening coach, describes in the podcast with Steven Barlett that three levels help to make active listening successful.

Level 1: Mirroring What Has Been Said

Mirroring to the other person what has been said to you, or paraphrasing, is repeating what has been said in your own words.

On the one hand, this checks whether what has been said has been understood correctly. On the other hand, it also shows that you are trying to really understand the other person.

Typical questions at this level are:

• “Did you mean so and so?”

• “And you’re saying so and so, aren’t you?”

• “If I understand correctly, then you are saying that …?”

This can be further intensified by displaying a questioning attitude. This shows that curiosity is valued over clashing.

The peculiar thing about these curiosity-oriented conversations, by the way, is that the people you are curious about tend to become curious about you.

Level 2: Validate the Other Person

Validating the other person is first done by listening to their story and perspective and using appropriate gestures or words to show that you can see how their journey has been and that they have come to this assessment.

At this level, one expresses, for example, the following statements:

• “I can understand that.”

• “I can understand why you feel that way.”

• “I can understand your view of things.”

By engaging intensely with what the other person is saying, we are showing: I heard you. That’s what it means to affirm the other person.

It does not mean agreeing with the statements or conclusions.

Level 3: Contribute

Contributing means I give my thoughts, my interpretations of the other person’s situation into the field of dialogue. I explain my perspective.

You can introduce this level with the following questions, for example:

• “Can I give you another perspective? It might fit your problem and be helpful to you.”

• “Would you like to hear how I see and assess the whole situation?”

Have you ever had the experience of someone really hitting you over the head? Were you able to say in that moment, “Yeah sure, he’s right”? No? Neither have I.

Someone who doesn’t feel seen will not be open to accepting new impulses or thoughts. In other words, contributing becomes impossible.

The Mistake: Invalidate

Instead of validating, in a heated discussion there is often an attempt to invalidate the other person and to overturn, invalidate and invalidate their statement.

In sentences, negations such as “no,” “no,” or “not” are then frequently used, or we encounter the following statements, for example:

• “Why would you think that?”

• “Oh nonsense, …”

• “That makes no sense at all!”

But sometimes it is not only the statement that is invalidated, but the whole person. When we make “invalidating” a linguistic habit and listen to each other very little, it has a negative impact on our relationships.

When I look back at various conversations in the past, I notice exactly this basic mistake. The more attempts were made to tell the other person that he or she was wrong and to convince him or her of one’s own point of view, the more distanced the conversation became.

What happened was exactly the opposite of what was supposed to happen on the second level, namely to understand, see and confirm the other person.

To deal with what is said and to be irritated by it has something to do with respect. If I want to make a contribution in the lives of others, then this mutual respect for each other is needed.

Therefore: Better to Validate Instead of Invalidate

Active listening, then, is about showing the other person that I have understood how they have come to their conclusions from what they have experienced. The person is thereby affirmed as a human being.

When that happens, in my experience, they become much more open to wanting to hear our own opinion, our input.

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Competence is the confident mastery of skills. It is important, but can also become an unfortunate path.

My goal as a Scrum Master is to create a strengths-based team. To achieve this, it is necessary that everyone is aware of their talents to a certain minimum, so that these can be developed into strengths.

That’s why we’ve been talking about the competency trap a lot lately in conversations with team members.

Namely, when we get good at performing activities we don’t like doing at all, it becomes problematic. We become knowledgeable and skilled at doing something we don’t like.

Competence then becomes a trap because we are perceived by bystanders as capable and therefore more work comes to us that we don’t actually enjoy.

But if the work is not fun, then we are not realizing our full potential.

The only way to do great work is to love what you do.1
 — Steve Jobs

So activities we are good at can be a weakness. If that is the case, then competence is a dangerous path.

Escaping the Competence Trap

To avoid the competence trap, it is necessary to know one’s own strengths.
Marcus Buckingham, who has spent decades studying talent, describes a simple but sound definition of strengths and weaknesses in his book Love & Work.2

[…] a “weakness” is any activity that weakens you, even if you’re amazing at it. […] a strength, properly defined, is any activity that strengthens you.

If you do an activity and afterwards you feel severely drained and weakened because you don’t enjoy it, that’s a weakness.

A strength, on the other hand, is anything that strengthens you. It is everything that you do instinctively and voluntarily. It’s the activities that make you feel like time is just flying by. When you’re done with one of those activities, you realize you’ve made giant leaps in learning.

So the question we may ask ourselves if we want to get to the bottom of the competency trap is this: How do I feel during and after I am done with an activity?

Marcus Buckingham suggests a simple activity he calls “Loved it / Loathed it” to check your strengths and weaknesses.3

Identify Strengths with “Loved It / Loathed It”

All you have to do is this:

1. Take a sheet of paper and draw a vertical line down the middle. The left column is titled “Loved It” and the right column is titled “Loathed It”.

2. After that, this sheet will accompany you through your daily life. Whenever you have done an activity at work or outside that you really loved or loathed, write it down in the appropriate column. It is best to do it while the impression is still fresh and not at the end of the day.

3. Do this exercise continuously for a week or two. Then you should have two well-filled columns. Make sure that each row contains a verb. What exactly did you do? What specifically was the activity?

4. Reflect on this list. Which of the activities would you like to do more often? Which ones less often?

5. Describe specific action items. What can you do to do the activities you like more often? Who can support you (your supervisor, your colleagues, your friends, …)?

Conclusion

Of course, work cannot be 100% fun, because unpleasant things can always occur. But a certain minimum of ten or significantly more percent per day should be possible.

To achieve this, it is necessary to know your talents and strengths and to regularly check whether you are still on track and in danger of falling into the competence trap.

The “Loved it / Loathed it” exercise can help with this review. It is especially recommended to do it in times of change or once a year as a small refresher.

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Sometimes we use our language somewhat unconsciously, that is, simply as we have learned and adopted it. This can lead to our sentences not being understood correctly. When we mix things up, the clarity of the statement and the comprehensibility to the other person suffer.

When we don’t understand each other, tension, conflict, and arguments can result. Our relationship suffers.

In contrast, if we reflect on our communication behaviors and become aware of different distinctions, they can be the key to greater clarity in emotional conversations.

Judgments vs. Observations

Judgments are assessments and interpretations of other people’s words and actions. They often express what we think is correct or incorrect.

“You’re late!”, “You’re unpunctual again!” or “You never clean out the dishwasher!” are typical examples of evaluations. Our counterparts often hear criticism from these judgments and react to them with defensiveness.

Observations, on the other hand, refer to sensory perception: phenomena that I can objectively grasp with my senses, i.e., see, hear, smell, taste, and feel. Observations are exact and concrete and can be formulated as in a police report enriched with facts.

Central questions to formulate observations are:

• What would a camera observe?

• Would my conflict partner agree with my observation?

• Can we agree on the same truth?

Instead of saying “You’re late again!” an observation would be phrased more like, “We had an appointment at 11:00, you showed up at 12:00.”

Just focusing on the facts can help ease tension in emotional conversations.

Moralistic Judgments vs. Value Judgments

We make moralistic judgments about other people and their behavior when they do not share our value judgments. Our assumptions about what is right and what is wrong make us imply to other people that they are wrong or bad people when they do not behave according to our desires.

Value judgments, on the other hand, are judgments we make based on the qualities we care about. They reflect our beliefs.

It makes a big difference whether we make a moralistic judgment about someone, for example, by analyzing and evaluating the person. Marshall Rosenberg is sure that we pay a big price when we do that.

It is my conviction that all these analyses of other people’s behavior are tragic expressions of our own values and needs. Tragic for the following reason: when we express our values and needs in this way, we create defensiveness and resistance in the very people whose behavior we care about. […] We all pay dearly when people act on our values and needs out of fear, guilt, or shame, rather than out of a desire to give from the heart.1

— Marshall B. Rosenberg

Everyone needs judgments in life in order to classify situations and events for themselves and to be able to judge how to deal with a situation in a meaningful way. However, it makes a difference how we express these judgments in a conversation.

If you express your values instead of criticism in conflicts, it is easier for your conversation partners to respond to you.2

— Ingrid Holler

Feelings vs. Pseudo-Feelings

Have you ever found yourself saying phrases like, “I feel left out.” or “I feel misunderstood.” These types of feelings are really more like interpretations of certain situations or events. The statement then describes or evaluates someone else’s actions or inactions. Since these types of feelings do not take place in the body, but rather in the mind, they are called pseudo-feelings.

On the other hand, when you say “I’m happy.”, “I’m feeling angry.”, “I’m feeling scared.” or “I’m feeling embarrassed.”, they are clearly feelings. Feelings are our feedback system to indicate to us how our needs are. They are caused by our judgements and not by other people. They arise when needs are met or not met and they occur in response to internal and external triggers.

By the way, you can easily check whether you are talking about a pseudo-feeling or an actual feeling by asking yourself the following question: Can the statement be replaced by “I think that …”?

Implementation Strategies vs. Needs

Implementation strategies are the actual actions taken to achieve a desired goal or to implement something specific. Strategies are very specific because they have a clear reference to people, places, actions, times, or objects.

Examples of strategies include the following statements:

• I want us to go on a winter vacation to Garmisch in the Alps.

• I want to go for a walk in the forest this weekend.

• I want to watch this and that movie on TV this weekend.

There is nothing inherently bad about these wishes (or concrete implementation strategies). As long as you are alone for yourself, you can put them into practice with few problems. It only gets interesting when a second person comes along who wants something contrary (for example, preferring to stay at home on winter vacation). Then the conflict is pre-programmed.

At this point, it is helpful to be aware of the difference with needs.

Needs reflect what is important and valuable to us. They represent our values and thus form the basis for our value judgments. Needs are the motives behind our concrete actions. They motivate us to do or say something specific.

Needs have the following characteristics: they are positive, universal (all people have similar needs) and abstract. Since needs are not tied to specific actions or people, the “no PLATO” rule applies: there is no direct connection to a person, location, action, time, or object.

Some examples of needs are: Autonomy, self-determination, growth, creativity, meaning, self-worth, air, food, learning, closeness, community, consideration, emotional security, joy, harmony, peace, inspiration, order, trust, understanding, belonging.

When we explore our needs, it also means taking responsibility for our own feelings! We may be frustrated because our partner doesn’t want to go skiing in the Alps with us. If we want to resolve this conflict and find a unifying solution, we need to dig a little deeper.

Why do I want to go on a winter vacation? I think because I want to go skiing. Aha, then maybe exercise is important to me? Or do I like to sit by the fireplace in the evening with a cup of tea in my hand? So is relaxation important to me? Or is it about simply getting away from it all and spending time together because connection is important to me?

So to identify the needs, it’s necessary to answer several why questions. This can certainly be work. But if we want to resolve a conflict or a tense situation, this work is helpful and meaningful.

And one more thing: Conflict resolution very often requires letting go of one’s favorite strategies and focusing on the needs behind them. Then there is also a common solution in sight.

Common Language Construct vs. Empathic Language Construct

As mentioned at the beginning, we sometimes use our language somewhat unconsciously. We heard a certain language pattern somewhere and subsequently adopted it for ourselves.

A common and frequently used structure to express how we feel is as follows: feeling because observation. (For example, “I’m upset because you didn’t clean out the dishwasher.”)

If we want to communicate something more empathic, then the following new need-based structure is suggested: observation, feeling, because need. (For example, “The dishwasher isn’t unloaded and I am upset because support is important to me.”)

This turns the you message into an I message. Many people perceive the latter as much less of a blame game. As a result, they feel less defensive and the likelihood of a calmer conversation increases.

Following this, however, a request should definitely be made. If no request is formulated and only observation, feeling and need are mentioned, then the statement may be interpreted as an accusation in the same way as with the more common language construct.

Requests vs. Demands

The goal of a demand is to exert coercion through reproach, accusation, and punishment. Thus, a demand threatens our autonomy, that is, our strong need to choose freely, and generates resistance. This in turn leads to two courses of action: Submission or rebellion. With either, the willingness to respond empathetically decreases rapidly.

An example of a demand might be, “I want you to go on a winter vacation with me!” (Whether this statement is received as a demand depends, of course, on how exactly the words are spoken).

The request is a strategy for need fulfillment. Basically, people like to do things to meet the needs of others because they want the other person to be well. Therefore, requests are the number one strategy for inviting others to contribute to the fulfillment of our needs.

Two types of requests are used: the relational request and the action request.

The relational request asks (1) what has been received (“It’s important to me to avoid misunderstandings, so I’m asking you to tell me what you just understood?”) and (2) what what was said triggers in the other person (“How do you feel when you hear this?”).

The action request asks whether the other person can do something for me. (“I would like you to do the following …, okay?”).

Successful requests are formulated positively and name very concrete, realistic actions and behaviors. They are often formulated as questions. In addition, however, they also leave the other person the freedom of choice.

If I allow my counterpart this freedom of choice, I must be open to a “no.” If I want to recognize whether I have expressed my request with the intention of a demand or with that of a request, I have to check how I deal with the “no”. Do I insist on implementation? Then it was a demand. Am I open to alternative ways? Then it was a request.

Conclusion

Because we often haven’t learned otherwise, we sometimes use our language in a somewhat undifferentiated way. Here it helps to keep in mind the various key distinctions.

Instead of expressing a judgement out of affect, we should pause for a moment, separate the evaluation from the observation, and then formulate the observed facts. Asking “What exactly would a camera be recording at this moment?” can help focus on the facts.

If the situation is emotional, then we should question pseudo-feelings and express the actual feeling. This feeling should in turn be linked to what is important to us — our unmet need.

The last step is to turn a demand into a request and ask our counterpart for something that could help us fulfill our need.

My colleague Martin sent me a message in the company chat. “Would you like to talk about feedback?” he asks. I’m very curious to see what’s in store for me. It is Thursday, 20 October and we are meeting in a Google Call.

I go into our conversation with different thoughts. I’ve felt a few times in the past when I’ve received feedback that I wasn’t meant at all. The next thing that immediately comes to mind is the well-intentioned advice about not commenting on feedback, but accepting it.

“Why should you give feedback at all?”, Martin and I ask ourselves right at the beginning of the conversation. We come up with four reasons that might be relevant.

Why Giving Feedback Is Important

Feedback conversations are often about evaluating one’s own performance. The boss sits across from you and tells you what you did well and what you need to work on. She may want improvements in a certain area. Performance is the result of competence. Does it perhaps need training to increase competence?

Performance evaluation is often aimed at achieving some kind of improvement. Often on the professional level, but not only. Because often some feedback is also related to personal growth and development. Looking at the human side also means looking at the blind spots. Each of us has blind spots in our personality that we cannot see ourselves. Feedback can help to identify these.

When giving feedback to evaluate performance, but also as a support for personal growth, a little caution is needed. As a feedback giver, you have to be aware that everyone has a very unique evaluation pattern. This is strongly linked to our own values, but we as evaluators are usually not aware of it.

For me, shared values form the foundation for a good connection. If the values diverge greatly, this often leads to conflicts. A comparison between one’s own self-image and the reality of others can be helpful to see where the two images diverge.

A particularly important fuel for our inner drive is appreciation. Feedback can be used to express appreciation. Another colleague once put it this way: “Praise and blame refer to the behaviour, and appreciation refers to the qualities of a person. Giving feedback therefore also means that I have to engage more intensively with the other person, his values, and his contribution.

So, at the beginning of our conversation, we identified four reasons why giving feedback can be useful: to evaluate another person’s performance, to achieve an improvement, to compare the self-image with the external image, and, of course, to express appreciation.

Now that the reasons have been examined in more detail, the question arises as to how feedback can be well delivered to the man or woman. There are various methods to do this. We have taken a closer look at three of them.

Giving Feedback With the Sandwich Method

An objective judgement, an objective evaluation focuses equally on negative and positive aspects and weights them appropriately. The sandwich method is well suited for this and, what’s more, it is very simple. Similar to placing the slice of cheese between two slices of white bread in a sandwich, you wrap the criticism you want to make in two positive observations or words of appreciation.

The observations made also become more objective because one does not only see the negative aspects. No one has done exclusively negative actions. There is often something positive as well. The question is whether one wants to look closely enough as a feedback giver. After all, the goal is to express a critical observation that is based on a balanced assessment.

If I have already received criticism several times using the sandwich method, then after a few times I already think to myself “Oh, now he’s saying something positive, only to come right back around the corner with nagging.” This happens when I, as the recipient of feedback, have the impression that the positive aspects are not taken seriously. Some people also use criticism as a means of apportioning blame. So you have to be careful because the sandwich method can also be manipulative.

If the criticism is appropriate and delivered using the sandwich method, it becomes easier to digest because the primacy-recency effect1 makes it easier for us to remember what was said first and what was said last.

An alternative to the sandwich method is STAR and STARAR. Here there is even more differentiation.

Giving Feedback With STAR and STARAR

The aim of these two approaches is to describe as concretely as possible which actions lead to which results. To give positive feedback, the STAR method is used. For negative feedback, an additional AR is added. The abbreviation stands for the following:

• S for Situation

• T for task or the task to which the feedback refers

• A for action or act of the person

• R for the result that occurred.

So first the situation is described and then the task that should be completed. This concrete distinction makes the feedback specific and thus easier to accept.

If negative feedback is to be expressed, another AR is described. That is, first the actual action that led to a negative result is described (first AR). Then another possible course of action is pointed out that would lead to an alternative result.

Giving Feedback With NVC

NVC is a communication model developed by psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg and stands for “Nonviolent Communication”.2 In difficult or tense situations, four steps are used in this model, which serve as a railing and provide guidance. The four steps are: Observation, Feeling, Need, Ask.

In NVC it is said that feelings are our feedback system to show us how our needs are. They are caused mainly by our own values and not so much by other people.

The four steps can be used in the following structure:

“When I see … (observation), I am … (feeling) because I need … (need). Would you please do … (request)?”

Since the NVC needs quite a bit of practice, Martin is thinking about organising a knowledge exchange with interested people from the company to introduce it in detail.

While we are talking about the application of these three methods, Martin also asks an interesting question. “Is the difference between these three ways of giving feedback that the first two methods are more related to the thing and the third is more related to the person?” An intriguing observation, I think.

After our conversation is over, I do a little more research. In the process, I came across the author Marcus Buckingham, who makes some interesting statements on the subject of feedback in his book “Love & Work”3.

People don’t really want feedback, he writes, they want attention, he says. People don’t want to be ignored, so the opposite of feedback is ignorance. Very exciting.

My search for more information on the topic of feedback leads me to talents. What is it about talents and how do you bring talents and work together?

Critical Feedback Does Not Help to Discover One’s Talents

Feedback is important if you want to improve your skills and become a professional. A sparring partner gives you hints and suggestions on how I can change processes, procedures, and actions so that I get a better result.

Feedback, however, does not help to get to the bottom of one’s own talents, because talents are very strongly linked to one’s own feelings. You only know your own feelings yourself. No one else can tell you what you are feeling.

Talents are very much related to the activities you like. If you do an activity and afterward you feel drained and weak, that is a weakness. You do an activity that challenges you, but after which you feel very satisfied and good? Then that is a strength. A strength is something that strengthens you, a weakness is something that weakens you.

To find out about your talents, e.g. at work, you can ask yourself the following questions:

• During which activities does time fly by for me?

• In which activities do I notice, after I have finished, that I have made gigantic leaps in learning?

• For which activities do I sign up instinctively?

Most of the time, the answers to these questions reveal different activities that you like and that feel good. So when it comes to one’s own talents, one’s own feelings are a good feedback mechanism.

The biggest lesson I learned from reading Love & Work is this: The right attitude with which I give feedback matters.

My job as a feedback giver is not to want to improve the other person. The attitude should not be that I am trying to fix someone. My attitude should be that I try to see my counterpart.

Summary

Getting back to the topic of feedback was inspired by an unexpected video call with Martin. In our conversation, we look at four reasons to give feedback. We talk about the sandwich method, where you sandwich your criticism between two positive statements. We talk about the STAR and STARAR methods, where you look more closely at which actions in a situation led to a certain result. Finally, we talk about the NVC, in which one pays particular attention to the feeling and the motivation behind an action.

Following the conversation, I came across the statements of Marcus Buckingham. I learned that feedback can help if you want to become a professional at something. But feedback is not suitable for discovering one’s own talents, because they are strongly connected to one’s own feelings. So if I want to help someone get to know their own talents better, I need the right attitude. The basic attitude should be: I am not trying to fix you, I am trying to see you.

I had just finished the Bundeswehr and I still remembered situations where people didn’t pay much attention to each other, where they interrupted each other, talked over each other, didn’t listen or even behaved in an insulting, hurtful or condescending way — where you didn’t seem to care about the other person. Perhaps you know this from your own experience: It can feel extremely uncomfortable.

Many years later, in 2020, I am new to the job as Scrum Master. I was pleased to see the value of “respect” emphasized. Scrum team members respect each other as capable, independent people. They are also respected as such by the people they work with.1 So according to the inventors of Scrum, respect seems to have a special meaning for collaboration.

In my 20 years of karate training and later as a Scrum Master, I have always asked myself, what is respect? How do I behave respectfully? And why exactly is that worth striving for in the first place?

What Respect Is

Respect is a very multi-faceted value that carries respect, recognition, tolerance, politeness and appreciation. But respect also has to do with authority, prestige and fear.

“Respect always gains importance in context.” said my Karate teacher a few years after I started training. “You can have respect for age. You can have respect for a person’s knowledge, and you can have respect for a snarling dog.”

Respect for age is expressed when, for example, you help an elderly, insecure lady cross a busy street. Respect for knowledge and wisdom is shown when one listens to the elaborate arguments of a professor and thinks them through for oneself. But you can also show respect when you look at a dog.

Power means every chance to assert one’s own will within a social relationship even against opposition […]. (Max Weber)

The sergeant major bares his teeth and barks orders at the recruit. Inevitably, adrenaline is released, stress is created, the senses are put on alert. When the recruit tells his friends about this situation, he will probably prefer to mask the emotion “fear” with the term “respect,” because “I had respect for the sergeant” just sounds better than “I was afraid.”

“Respect means seeing the other person”

Whereas in earlier times there was a strong focus on threatening punishment and giving punishment for errant behavior to induce fear of consequences, today it is more about negotiation and discussion. A common understanding is in many cases much more profitable than mindless execution of orders. Fortunately, in many areas of our society, one can observe a strong shift from a command culture to a negotiation culture.

In my eyes, this negotiation and discussion is not only more profitable, but at the same time much more difficult than issuing a command, because it requires patience, perseverance and a sincere interest. It is the necessary prerequisite for fathoming the motives and needs of the other person, because — as René Borbonus so beautifully puts it — “respect means seeing the other person”.2

1. Distinction: The Two Dimensions of Respect

Professor van Quaquebeke from Hamburg, who has conducted intensive research on the topic of “respect” and is a mentor of the RespectResearchGroup, distinguishes between horizontal respect and vertical respect.3

Horizontal respect shows itself in a general respect, empathy and appreciation for my counterpart. So when we help an elderly lady cross the street, it happens on exactly this basis: appreciation. This horizontal respect is not tied to any conditions, which is why we can demand it from those around us.

Vertical respect, on the other hand, has to be earned. It is linked to performance. If the performance declines, so does the respect. The respect for the professor, goes back to his achievement, that he has spent many years in a subject. Vertical respect is therefore linked to conditions.

With this central distinction of the two components, let us now look at three levels that are also related to respect.

2. Distinction: Being Respectful on Three Levels

Helping someone to get across the street, for example, or listening to someone to understand (rather than respond) are two ways of expressing respect. In my mind, however, there are three levels at which to establish respectful behavior:

1. In actions — this is the most obvious level: in martial arts, this is shown in bowing to each other (which is roughly equivalent to shaking hands in everyday life). An obvious gesture that shows that you see the other person.

2. In words: showing respect at this level means refraining from insulting, hurtful and condescending remarks and discussing the matter with arguments. This requires listening to the other person and, if necessary, perceiving his or her motives.

3. In attitude: At this level, respect manifests itself as a basic openness to the other person’s perspective and the desire to let the other person keep his or her dignity.

The most practical level, which we encounter most often in everyday life, is certainly the verbal level.

Respect on the Verbal Level

Respect is like air. If there is air to breathe, then no one thinks about it. But as soon as it’s missing, you don’t think about anything else.

Kerry Patterson and the authors of Cruicial Conversations4 use the metaphor of air to make clear how necessary respect is in conversations. They believe that as soon as people feel disrespected, it is no longer about the content of the conversation, but only about defending dignity. A lack of respect can therefore be recognized by the fact that participants in a conversation want to assert their dignity.

When people feel disrespected, they become tense. Their fear turns into anger, then they sulk, shout or threaten.

If it has already come to that, then feelings are key. Acknowledging the other person’s feelings, addressing them, and mirroring them can help ease the situation. After all, naming feelings helps to cope with them.5

To come back to Professor van Quaquebeke: Respect also means that I have to deal with what is being said and that I am allowed to be irritated by it. Even if we haven’t found a solution, remaining respectful and enduring the frustration. We must remain in dialogue until we have found a solution.

For me, that means making sure that people feel less disregarded: Allowing the other person to speak and finish, repeating in my own words what has been said to check my understanding, ensuring balanced proportions of speech and, if possible, creating a safe framework so that critical issues can also be addressed.

Respectful Behavior Promotes Good Cooperation at Work

I think respectful behavior is so important because it improves team interaction and collaboration. When interactions are fact-oriented, we solve problems faster and more efficiently than when we don’t see eye to eye on the relationship level. Personal attacks make work difficult and slow.

I don’t know about you, but for me, I prefer to work with people who I know respect me. Being able to interact on a trusting level has a much higher fun factor for me.

Instead of being tense because you have to think about every statement three times, the conversations run with a certain looseness. Tricky problems can be talked through and thought through together, and even unusual trains of thought can be expressed without the verbal evaluation club rattling down on you.

It’s also much easier to learn in an open, basically relaxed atmosphere. In the field of knowledge work, it is essential that we learn new things about our customers, about our product and about our technical tools. In my opinion, a basic respect promotes this atmosphere.

Conclusion

Respect is the oxygen among the social elements: indispensable for social survival, but not self-evident in the atmosphere.

— René Borbonus6

Respect means seeing the other person with his or her needs and motives. As horizontal respect it is unconditional, as vertical respect it is conditional and linked to performance.

To show respect to someone, it can help, on the one hand, to mirror feelings. On the other hand, we should also deal more intensively with what the other person says and let ourselves be irritated by it.

When we experience a person struggling for respect, we should simply give them what they need: a little breathing room.

How’s that for you? Do you ever wish you had more respect on your team or in your environment? What have you tried so far to facilitate more respectful interactions? In general, what are your thoughts on respect? I would love to hear from you in a comment.

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Establishing new habits is not always easy. But it is worth it. Because mastering our habits gives us the power to act in a self-determined way.

Small, everyday actions are particularly suitable for this: Switching off the computer at 9 p.m. to be able to sleep better at night. Don’t eat after 7 p.m. because it’s healthier. Record your expenses directly after shopping to have the necessary data for the monthly evaluation. To go jogging three times a week to stay physically fit.

To establish new habits, it is helpful to understand how they work.

Habits are trained patterns of behaviour that we have internalised so much that we often perform them unconsciously. I also like to refer to habits as what is inherent in us. They are the mental shortcuts in our heads that allow us to perform actions very quickly and without much thought.

We can process things habitually much faster than if we first have to think about them intensively and prepare for a long time. They let us communicate faster because we don’t have to struggle for every word.

Good mental habits let us think more clearly because we already have certain mental structures in our heads and can thus find better solutions. Since habits make us faster, they are also the key to our efficiency — or inefficiency.

Stephen Covey, the well-known author, calls habits the intersection between knowing, being able and wanting. You always have something of all three. I understand the background and I know how it is connected. I know what result I am aiming for and what it is for, and I understand what steps I have to take to achieve the desired result.1

These three aspects are what I need to consider when I want to train a new habit. In order not to be at the mercy of my bad habits, I let the positive routines become more and weaken or reduce the negative ones. Becoming master of our habits can give one a sense of self-determination. Or as Aristotle put it:

We are what we repeatedly do. 
Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.
 — Aristotle

Training a new habit

Training serves to perform an action as often as necessary until it is developed as a skill. Consistent patterns of action are repeated until they are internalised.

But before this can happen, we need clarity about our motivation.

Get clear about your “why”

I want to form a new habit because I expect positive changes. Maybe I’ve been hearing for years how jogging is good for your health. And just the other day, when I was out for a walk, another one of these fellows whizzed past me on the pavement. Reason enough to finally try it out for myself.

A tried and tested method is to write down your goals, because that increases the likelihood of achieving them. It doesn’t have to be a long novel, just a short statement that I can review in three months.

When setting a goal, it helps me not only to imagine a target state, but much more to explore the need behind it. Phrases with “in order to” help me to do this.

I would like _____________ in order to achieve __________

In other words, “I want to go jogging three times a week in order to be physically fit” or “I want to go jogging three times a week in order to be physically fit”. If my need is performance, then I will record my times very accurately and compare them with the previous day to see the improvements. If physical fitness and health are important to me, then I might go jogging in the forest rather than in the city so that I can get some fresh air there too.

Another helpful tip is to think about how your self-image is changing. If habits are tied to your identity, then behaviour change is easier. The thought “Phew, I still have to run today.” creates a different feeling than this one: “I’m a jogger. I want to run another lap today!”

Once your why is clear to you, the habit starts to become attractive.

Prepare yourself

You have set your goal, now it’s time to take the first steps towards realising it. Goals are one thing — they are important because they give you drive. Goals are about the results you want to achieve. Systems, however, are about the mechanics that lead to those results.

Especially in the beginning, the habit wants to be well prepared because implementation is much easier with good preparation. Preparation is necessary so that one is ready.

It may be logical and sound like a small detail, but if you want to go jogging regularly and you don’t have suitable clothes or shoes at home because you have never jogged before, it will be difficult to build the habit. You want to become a vegetarian but your fridge is full of meaty foods? This too will be difficult and will require some preparatory changes that are aligned with your goal.

Think about what is currently preventing you from getting started. Make a little checklist in your head and then get to work.

Create physical reminders

A habit must be as obvious as possible. The jogging shoes should not be in the basement, but visible at the front of the shoe rack. This will remind you regularly when you walk past them. So you need triggers that keep reminding you of the habit you are striving for. This will make the habit obvious.

Let’s say you have decided to run not just at some point during the day, but first thing in the morning. Then you put your sports clothes next to your bed so that you see them first thing. You’ll fall right out of bed into your jogging clothes and shoes and before you know it, you’ll find yourself running at the front door. So the habit is not only obvious, it’s easy.

The more often we do this and follow our intended behaviour, the more satisfying it is.

Let’s summarise briefly: by defining our “why”, the habit became attractive to us, by removing unnecessary difficulties, we made it easy, by physical reminders, we created trigger stimuli that made the habit obvious. With the first few executions, we have noticed that we are living up to our expectations. The habit is becoming satisfactory.2

One important aspect is still missing to form the habit.

Hang in there

We have made a start and done the first repetitions. Now it is time to stick with it and persevere.

Brian Tracy brings two more elements into play. In his framework for forming habits, he calls it the “3D”: decision, discipline, determination.3

We have already made a decision when we have gained clarity about our motivation. But in addition, it takes the discipline to do the necessary repetitions for a long time. It also takes the determination to stick with it even when unpleasant feelings will arise. So if you have set your mind to something and it has value for you, then stick with it!

By the way, to form a habit, the frequency of repetition is more important than the duration. The duration of doing it is not so important, it is much more important how often it was done. You can do something three times in thirty days or three hundred times. It is the frequency that makes the difference.
Start

When you start, it’s best to do something simple. The “habit muscle” grows like any other muscle through training. That’s why it’s important to keep at it. To practice something regularly and persistently, it is good to start really small.

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