6 Proven Keys for Being Better Understood in Emotional Conversations
Learning means learning to differentiate. Training new linguistic patterns starts with becoming aware of certain key distinctions.
Sometimes we use our language somewhat unconsciously, that is, simply as we have learned and adopted it. This can lead to our sentences not being understood correctly. When we mix things up, the clarity of the statement and the comprehensibility to the other person suffer.
When we don’t understand each other, tension, conflict, and arguments can result. Our relationship suffers.
In contrast, if we reflect on our communication behaviors and become aware of different distinctions, they can be the key to greater clarity in emotional conversations.
Judgments vs. Observations
Judgments are assessments and interpretations of other people’s words and actions. They often express what we think is correct or incorrect.
“You’re late!”, “You’re unpunctual again!” or “You never clean out the dishwasher!” are typical examples of evaluations. Our counterparts often hear criticism from these judgments and react to them with defensiveness.
Observations, on the other hand, refer to sensory perception: phenomena that I can objectively grasp with my senses, i.e., see, hear, smell, taste, and feel. Observations are exact and concrete and can be formulated as in a police report enriched with facts.
Central questions to formulate observations are:
What would a camera observe?
Would my conflict partner agree with my observation?
Can we agree on the same truth?
Instead of saying “You’re late again!” an observation would be phrased more like, “We had an appointment at 11:00, you showed up at 12:00.”
Just focusing on the facts can help ease tension in emotional conversations.
Moralistic Judgments vs. Value Judgments
We make moralistic judgments about other people and their behavior when they do not share our value judgments. Our assumptions about what is right and what is wrong make us imply to other people that they are wrong or bad people when they do not behave according to our desires.
Value judgments, on the other hand, are judgments we make based on the qualities we care about. They reflect our beliefs.
It makes a big difference whether we make a moralistic judgment about someone, for example, by analyzing and evaluating the person. Marshall Rosenberg is sure that we pay a big price when we do that.
It is my conviction that all these analyses of other people’s behavior are tragic expressions of our own values and needs. Tragic for the following reason: when we express our values and needs in this way, we create defensiveness and resistance in the very people whose behavior we care about. […] We all pay dearly when people act on our values and needs out of fear, guilt, or shame, rather than out of a desire to give from the heart.1
— Marshall B. Rosenberg
Everyone needs judgments in life in order to classify situations and events for themselves and to be able to judge how to deal with a situation in a meaningful way. However, it makes a difference how we express these judgments in a conversation.
If you express your values instead of criticism in conflicts, it is easier for your conversation partners to respond to you.2
— Ingrid Holler
Feelings vs. Pseudo-Feelings
Have you ever found yourself saying phrases like, “I feel left out.” or “I feel misunderstood.” These types of feelings are really more like interpretations of certain situations or events. The statement then describes or evaluates someone else’s actions or inactions. Since these types of feelings do not take place in the body, but rather in the mind, they are called pseudo-feelings.
On the other hand, when you say “I’m happy.”, “I’m feeling angry.”, “I’m feeling scared.” or “I’m feeling embarrassed.”, they are clearly feelings. Feelings are our feedback system to indicate to us how our needs are. They are caused by our judgements and not by other people. They arise when needs are met or not met and they occur in response to internal and external triggers.
By the way, you can easily check whether you are talking about a pseudo-feeling or an actual feeling by asking yourself the following question: Can the statement be replaced by “I think that …”?
Implementation Strategies vs. Needs
Implementation strategies are the actual actions taken to achieve a desired goal or to implement something specific. Strategies are very specific because they have a clear reference to people, places, actions, times, or objects.
Examples of strategies include the following statements:
I want us to go on a winter vacation to Garmisch in the Alps.
I want to go for a walk in the forest this weekend.
I want to watch this and that movie on TV this weekend.
There is nothing inherently bad about these wishes (or concrete implementation strategies). As long as you are alone for yourself, you can put them into practice with few problems. It only gets interesting when a second person comes along who wants something contrary (for example, preferring to stay at home on winter vacation). Then the conflict is pre-programmed.
At this point, it is helpful to be aware of the difference with needs.
Needs reflect what is important and valuable to us. They represent our values and thus form the basis for our value judgments. Needs are the motives behind our concrete actions. They motivate us to do or say something specific.
Needs have the following characteristics: they are positive, universal (all people have similar needs) and abstract. Since needs are not tied to specific actions or people, the “no PLATO” rule applies: there is no direct connection to a person, location, action, time, or object.
Some examples of needs are: Autonomy, self-determination, growth, creativity, meaning, self-worth, air, food, learning, closeness, community, consideration, emotional security, joy, harmony, peace, inspiration, order, trust, understanding, belonging.
When we explore our needs, it also means taking responsibility for our own feelings! We may be frustrated because our partner doesn’t want to go skiing in the Alps with us. If we want to resolve this conflict and find a unifying solution, we need to dig a little deeper.
Why do I want to go on a winter vacation? I think because I want to go skiing. Aha, then maybe exercise is important to me? Or do I like to sit by the fireplace in the evening with a cup of tea in my hand? So is relaxation important to me? Or is it about simply getting away from it all and spending time together because connection is important to me?
So to identify the needs, it’s necessary to answer several why questions. This can certainly be work. But if we want to resolve a conflict or a tense situation, this work is helpful and meaningful.
And one more thing: Conflict resolution very often requires letting go of one’s favorite strategies and focusing on the needs behind them. Then there is also a common solution in sight.
Common Language Construct vs. Empathic Language Construct
As mentioned at the beginning, we sometimes use our language somewhat unconsciously. We heard a certain language pattern somewhere and subsequently adopted it for ourselves.
A common and frequently used structure to express how we feel is as follows: feeling because observation. (For example, “I’m upset because you didn’t clean out the dishwasher.”)
If we want to communicate something more empathic, then the following new need-based structure is suggested: observation, feeling, because need. (For example, “The dishwasher isn’t unloaded and I am upset because support is important to me.”)
This turns the you message into an I message. Many people perceive the latter as much less of a blame game. As a result, they feel less defensive and the likelihood of a calmer conversation increases.
Following this, however, a request should definitely be made. If no request is formulated and only observation, feeling and need are mentioned, then the statement may be interpreted as an accusation in the same way as with the more common language construct.
Requests vs. Demands
The goal of a demand is to exert coercion through reproach, accusation, and punishment. Thus, a demand threatens our autonomy, that is, our strong need to choose freely, and generates resistance. This in turn leads to two courses of action: Submission or rebellion. With either, the willingness to respond empathetically decreases rapidly.
An example of a demand might be, “I want you to go on a winter vacation with me!” (Whether this statement is received as a demand depends, of course, on how exactly the words are spoken).
The request is a strategy for need fulfillment. Basically, people like to do things to meet the needs of others because they want the other person to be well. Therefore, requests are the number one strategy for inviting others to contribute to the fulfillment of our needs.
Two types of requests are used: the relational request and the action request.
The relational request asks (1) what has been received (“It’s important to me to avoid misunderstandings, so I’m asking you to tell me what you just understood?”) and (2) what what was said triggers in the other person (“How do you feel when you hear this?”).
The action request asks whether the other person can do something for me. (“I would like you to do the following …, okay?”).
Successful requests are formulated positively and name very concrete, realistic actions and behaviors. They are often formulated as questions. In addition, however, they also leave the other person the freedom of choice.
If I allow my counterpart this freedom of choice, I must be open to a “no.” If I want to recognize whether I have expressed my request with the intention of a demand or with that of a request, I have to check how I deal with the “no”. Do I insist on implementation? Then it was a demand. Am I open to alternative ways? Then it was a request.
Conclusion
Because we often haven’t learned otherwise, we sometimes use our language in a somewhat undifferentiated way. Here it helps to keep in mind the various key distinctions.
Instead of expressing a judgement out of affect, we should pause for a moment, separate the evaluation from the observation, and then formulate the observed facts. Asking “What exactly would a camera be recording at this moment?” can help focus on the facts.
If the situation is emotional, then we should question pseudo-feelings and express the actual feeling. This feeling should in turn be linked to what is important to us — our unmet need.
The last step is to turn a demand into a request and ask our counterpart for something that could help us fulfill our need.
Quote translated from German with deepl. Taken from: Rosenberg, M. B. (2016). Gewaltfreie Kommunikation: Eine Sprache des Lebens (I. Holler, Übers.; 12. Edition). Junfermann Verlag, S. 30
Quote translated from German with deepl. Taken from: Holler, I., & Rosenberg, M. B. (2016). Trainingsbuch Gewaltfreie Kommunikation: Abwechslungsreiche Übungen für Selbststudium und Seminare (8. Edition). Junfermann Verlag, S. 35